Thursday, January 01, 2004

Music: Super Furry Animals - Hello Sunshine
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So, it being the first day of the year many people are taking the time to reflect on the year we just left behind.

I really don't know what to say about 2003. There were, of course, the really down parts of the year. Patches of self-doubt and feelings that I lacked a purpose. Earlier in the year, more than any other time, I found myself feeling like no one really cared that I was around at school. Now that I'm away from a rather negative environment (ex-roommate), I'm out of a lonely place and know that there are people at school that care about me.

I learned to stand on my own, and I learned when I could count on others for help. I know I can't be happy all the time. I know it's more healthy not to just ignore when I'm feeling depressed and to try and talk about it...but I also know that most of the people I know will not really be receptive or supportive while I'm working that out. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I know a lot of people are not going to want to listen to me when I'm in those moods. Should the need to talk and the reluctance of people to listen ever reconcile, that would be great. But I can't count on that happening.

I think I'm more realistic now. I realize that things can't always be wonderful. There will always be bad times. I just have to remember that they can't and won't last forever. I used to just ignore the feelings of being hurt. All they did was get me scolded for being such a downer (they still do at home). But I can honestly say that I will grow out of the extremely sulky phase I've been zoning in and out of. Someday it won't feel so alien to be less than on Cloud 9.

But there were plenty of happy times. The fact that I can be just as happy and comfortable in two different places is a real blessing. More than anything, I'm glad that I've been able to keep the close relationships that I formed in High School. Those were and are friends that I have never wanted to lose. I will do everything I can to make sure that I never let that slip.

There are some things that I want to get back after last year. First and foremost, my optimism. I used to really be able to look forward to something no matter when. And if nothing was presenting itself to be anticipated, I would set something up for myself. I will do my best to shake the self-doubt and pessimism 03 left on me. I miss being able to do that, and I think that now that I've realized what happened and where it stemmed from, I can fix it. I also want to get back my ability to just deal. This problem very specifically applies to my family. When you finally leave home, you realize just how imperfect that place was. I'm seeing with frightening clarity all the faults of my parents, but....I need to learn to get past that. They're my parents and I *do* love them. I just have to get better at accetping that they are flawed people that I shouldn't be so snappy to all the time....that's gonna be hard, but I'll get there eventually.

I will also start being better with money. I want to someday spend some time in London just living there. It doesn't look like I'll be getting a chance to really study there, so I'll just need to get there on my own. Meaning I'm gonna need a job. When a jo presents itself, I will take it. I may, in fact, look in to getting a job at school. Not sure how the parents will react to that, but money is good for being able to have new experiences.

Well I'm done for now. I went to the mall with mom to do some returns. We ended up at Best Buy eventually and got another DVD player as the one in the basement moved upstairs and Mom still wanted one downstairs. It ended up that *I* got the new DVD player because Mom didn't want to learn how to use the new one so we moved my old one downstairs. Took me awhile to hook it up (Godzilla {the giant TV in the basement} does not appreciate attempts to mess with its status quo), but Mom's happily watching Legally Blonde 2 (a movie that does not pretend to be more than it is by using Roman numerals instead of just numbers. I'm sorry, but the Jason movies are not Roman numeral material), so it's all good.

::transmission ended::
This transmission logged byErisSaid on 8:55 PM

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