Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Music: Cat Power - The Greatest
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Talk to Matty online today. Unfortunately I was in one of my "poor me I'm stuck in a rut" moods, so I ended up getting that special breed of Matt advice:

"You're unhappy? Fix that."

Love him to death but Christ almighty he can be exhausting. His policy of just doing things seems so easy to him, but....it's not like that for me. I've pretty much been planning on law school since I was 10, and international law since I was 15. This is how long I need to plan ahead to be comfortable with decisions like this, and it's like he doesn't get that I'm not ready to just suddenly deviate from my form. I know I need to change something since things are already not going according to plan but...

Then I made the mistake of saying that I probably just didn't stand out enough on my application...to which I received the advice of "Go do something to stand out"....Zen like simplicity or being reductive? Either way, I gave the poor guy an earful about "accomplishment"

Here in my little upper middle class world there really isn't much I can do. I live in a town where no one wants troublemakers especially because "there are no problems" and our enormous property taxes mean that even if there are we must never EVER talk about them. EVER. I also lack the credibility to really make any kind of difference even on a county level. If I lived somewhere like New York City, there would be opportunities for making a difference, but also there are some things I'm just not qualified to do. Why did I never do the alternative spring break and help out in Nicaragua with my school? Because I would have gotten sick the second I went down there from the heat and climate different and been nothing more than a liability. A liability with sunburn, at that. If shit needs to be moved, repaired, or built...I'm not the person to talk to about that. But if something needs to be talked about or written about...THAT I can do.

After I hashed out where my interestes were, the closest thing to "doing somthing" I could come up with was a blog. Keeping a blog about human rights violations and trafficking incidents in the so-called "Civilized" Western World seems interesting enough....but it falls in to the trap of me simply being one jackass shouting at the sky with no one listening. How is that worth anything to anyone? How is it worth the time and effort it would take? I don't know. But I do know that it wouldn't make me stand out compared to my competition for law school who no doubt took that trip to Nicaragua and rebuilt that village. Serves me right for thinking that focusing on my grades would get me further than starting a redundant "we don't like mean people" club on my college campus.
This transmission logged byErisSaid on 2:29 PM

Belief is strong. Belief is powerful. Belief is enough to make people give their lives for a cause...

I respect belief. I respect people who stick to their beliefs....but....


lol

This transmission logged byErisSaid on 1:49 PM

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Music: Eels - Souljacker Part I
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Here's what's going on:

I'm working very hard on that Wait List at American. I'd frankly LOVE to go there as (a) it's a got a good reputation for International Law, (b) it's in DC which is one of my favorite cities, and (c) it's the only place that's actually interested in taking me. I'm working with and admissions counselor to make it very clear that I am still interested in going there.

This seems to tie in with my general desire lately to be at least a backseat driver to what's going on in my own life. On a lot of things I'm just kinda falling asleep in the back seat wondering when we're gonna get there.

On one front, there's my money. My father helped me out by setting up a ROTH IRA in my name this past winter...but now I want to know where all my money went. What are the stocks that I have that money in. He gave me a vague answer of "a solid, diverse portfolio for half and a whole bunch in tech stocks." That's super, but which tech stocks. I'm all for investing in shiny things of the future, but I want to know specifics. And what's in this "mystery basket" he apparently bought me. I promised him I won't freak out if I see the little line going down. I'm 22. I can afford to lose some money now. When I told him I was interested in actually figuring this stuff out he seemed amused enough, so when he gets back from Kansas I'll probably be able to get some real information out of him.

As for how I pass my time, I'm still trying to keep my hands busy and that keeps me happy. I've knit a whole bunch of new things. Last night I made a dishcloth. It was nothing special and not all that cool looking, but for me the point was that I came up with the pattern off the top of my head. I think I'm about ready to start coming up with pattern ideas of my own.

So money...creative stuff...basically I'm doing really well in every arena of my life except scholastic....fantastic....

This transmission logged byErisSaid on 12:32 PM

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Scholastic stuff is the only stuff going right for me...so together we make one whole well adjusted person! :-P

Good luck with American. *crosses fingers* You never know.

Connors is applying to bartending jobs in Chapel Hill, incidentally.

# posted by  Unknown : 6:24 PM

 

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Music: Flogging Molly - Whistles the Wind
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I'm doing okay today. The arrival of Marilyn's new puppy for a short visit was a big help. Mostly I'm just trying to act like it's any other day. I'll get around to coping when I can....well....cope with coping....

Didn't go out last night but it was probably for the best...Not that anyone called anyway, so whatever.

Just another day getting by

This transmission logged byErisSaid on 12:32 PM

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sorry for not being attentive to the blog :( hope you are feeling a little better. saying 'dont feel so bad' is obviously not appropriate right now, since feeling down is how one is in such a situation. perhaps this is better: i'm sure that whatever you decide to do, you will manage to do it well. take a powder and try again.

# posted by  A : 6:39 AM

 

Hey. I'm so sorry you didn't get in where you wanted to. That really sucks. I wish there was something I could do. Know the I'm hear if you need to talk to someone.

# posted by  Anonymous : 9:42 PM

 

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Monday, May 07, 2007

1:03
It's D-Day. This is the day when i have to know about my status with UNC Chapen Hill's law program. It's currently 1:03 and there's no news just yet. I was going to wait to start this post until I got word...but word should have come about an hour ago.

I'm physically shaking. I just need to know at this point so I can get on with my life. The letter from UNC said that this had to be the day we find out, either by traditional mail or by calling the admissions office in the event that we don't get our mail. I've called home twice. I made my mother promise yesterday that she would call me no matter what the results. I'm stuck at work until 5 today regardless of what happens. Win or lose I'm going nowhere. She hasn't picked up the phone which makes me think (a) she's too far in the backyard to have heard the mail truck arrive and isn't wearing a watch, (b) the mail actually hasn't arrived yet (it's later on Mondays from the weekend backlog), or (c) she's so busy crying that she can't answer the phone.

I've tried calling UNC but no one is answering. Probably because it's lunch time. They told me my application was still under review the last time I called so I believe that I will be able to find out the final decision over the phone.

I'm gonna go sit under my desk for a few minutes....maybe that will help the shakes...

1:15
Now have huge fucking bruise from where I knocked my leg against the keyboard tray under my desk. Son of a bitch.

1:22
Third phonecall home. No answer. Getting up the courage to call UNC again. Afraid they might answer.

1:36
It's over. Mail came in and my mother called. Rejected from UNC Chapel Hill. At least now I know...At least I know...
I'm still on the Wait List for American University, but I'm not expecting much out of that.

I guess it's over now. I'll have the pity party later. For now...I'm at work. I gotta do my work.

But at least I know...

3:15
I'm cold. It's 64 degrees out but I'm cold. I also can't decide if I'm hungry or sick to my stomach. One of the lawyers came by and when I informed him why I looked so down he immediately started in on how they probably gave away all the spots in the schools to minorities, trying to make me feel better, I guess. I know that's not what happened. There must have been some reason for all of this, and I doubt I'm the victim of reverse racism.

I haven't cried yet. I know I'm going to at some point, but it would be nice to at least keep it together for the next hour and 45 minutes. If it were any other day I'd be home right now...but it's today so that's not an option. I can't decide if I want to see people tonight or not. One of my biggest complaints is that I'm sitting here alone right now, but even when someone was here it didn't help. I'd just bum the hell out of anyone I came across but I still feel like I want company. That's not fair, I know but I feel like shit that Matt's only home for a few more days and I've only seen him twice so far and not even for that long either time.

I don't want to drink. I don't want to take something. I just want to stare at the wall for awhile. More than anything, I don't want to get in to discussions about the future right now. I need some time to work this out. And I know that's the one thing I'm not going to get from my parents.

This transmission logged byErisSaid on 1:03 PM

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Music: Wilco - Nothing'severgonnastandinmyway(again)
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Okay. I've finally uncurled from the fetal position.

Ya see, now that I don't have a Goddamned clue when that response is going to come in, I can't live in as much dread. Now that I'm not in "ohunholyfuckit'sgonnacomeintodayahhhhhhh!" mode, my life can go on. Admittedly I was very cranky yesterday and didn't do such a good job of hiding it. I tried. I really did. I was so stoked to see Matty and A but my mood just wouldn't swing up. I know I was a downer and I'm sorry for that.

But I think I'm better now. I got a good night's sleep last night and that helps a lot. My terrible Wii related injury is also clearing up (I think I pulled a friggin' muscle playing Wii baseball... Lame, I know). I really wanna get one of them now. There's an SSX game for it but I dunno...It's not the same as SSX3, which I was golden at. Still. Fun times to be had.

Work now.

This transmission logged byErisSaid on 11:37 AM

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Music: Soul Asylum - Misery
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I thought today was going to be the day. The day I found out what I was going to do with the next year of my life.

Not so much. I called Chapel Hill. Turns out my application is still "under review"

Now I have another week or two of ulcers and bad sleep to look forward to. Super. And I even get the extra knowledge that they have probably filled up all their spaces already and I'm just gonna get a rejection letter.

I just want to go home and curl in to a ball...but I have to stay until 5 today. And A and Matty are home so I need to spend time with them.

I really do feel like the unluckiest person in the world some times.

This transmission logged byErisSaid on 12:11 PM

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*hugs* Life shits on you sometimes, man. And I'm sorry about it. But power to your last post. You are awesome, and one day you will PWN all.

# posted by  Unknown : 11:07 PM

 

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