Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Music: Cat Power - The Greatest
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Talk to Matty online today. Unfortunately I was in one of my "poor me I'm stuck in a rut" moods, so I ended up getting that special breed of Matt advice:

"You're unhappy? Fix that."

Love him to death but Christ almighty he can be exhausting. His policy of just doing things seems so easy to him, but....it's not like that for me. I've pretty much been planning on law school since I was 10, and international law since I was 15. This is how long I need to plan ahead to be comfortable with decisions like this, and it's like he doesn't get that I'm not ready to just suddenly deviate from my form. I know I need to change something since things are already not going according to plan but...

Then I made the mistake of saying that I probably just didn't stand out enough on my application...to which I received the advice of "Go do something to stand out"....Zen like simplicity or being reductive? Either way, I gave the poor guy an earful about "accomplishment"

Here in my little upper middle class world there really isn't much I can do. I live in a town where no one wants troublemakers especially because "there are no problems" and our enormous property taxes mean that even if there are we must never EVER talk about them. EVER. I also lack the credibility to really make any kind of difference even on a county level. If I lived somewhere like New York City, there would be opportunities for making a difference, but also there are some things I'm just not qualified to do. Why did I never do the alternative spring break and help out in Nicaragua with my school? Because I would have gotten sick the second I went down there from the heat and climate different and been nothing more than a liability. A liability with sunburn, at that. If shit needs to be moved, repaired, or built...I'm not the person to talk to about that. But if something needs to be talked about or written about...THAT I can do.

After I hashed out where my interestes were, the closest thing to "doing somthing" I could come up with was a blog. Keeping a blog about human rights violations and trafficking incidents in the so-called "Civilized" Western World seems interesting enough....but it falls in to the trap of me simply being one jackass shouting at the sky with no one listening. How is that worth anything to anyone? How is it worth the time and effort it would take? I don't know. But I do know that it wouldn't make me stand out compared to my competition for law school who no doubt took that trip to Nicaragua and rebuilt that village. Serves me right for thinking that focusing on my grades would get me further than starting a redundant "we don't like mean people" club on my college campus.
This transmission logged byErisSaid on 2:29 PM

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